1. "i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out."
2. person A: why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
person B: you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
3.We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
4. Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
5. person A:Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
person B:What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
6.Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
8. person A: hows the party?
person B: ists fjcssing insceredle
person A: be there in 10
9. just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
10. How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
