All for Fun and Fun for all :)

These are hilarious texts, especially the last one I posted that was so generously brought to us my textfromlastnight.com. I swear I can never get enough of these. Sometimes I read these to feel better about myself and get some dignity and other times I simply read these to get a really good laugh. There is not one time when I check out this website that my mouth does not drop because I am shocked about a text someone wrote. For example, the one I read was that a mom told her kid she would buy the weed for them if she could go with them for the weekend. Nuts! I tell ya. Such nonsense but it’s the nonsense where I find humor and hope you do too J

1.       “I was driving around baked, window down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before I remembered why I left my house.”

2.       “Hungover. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.”

3.       “Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back into your mouth?

4.       “He used his phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.”

5.       “the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar.”

6.       “‘Let’s watch the sunrise’ turned into ‘let’s have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning.”

7.       “My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she’ll buy the weed.”

8.       “I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.”

9.       “Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I am NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I’d like to chronicle that ongoing success. I’m going to post pictures of me at 0 WEEKS once a week.”

10.   “The security guard told you that room was off limits and you just looked at him and said, “Its ok I have a beard.”

11.   “I remember you telling me to brush my teeth, take a shower, go get back in bed w/ her and just ‘do what I was born to do’ and as soon as I was done yacking I did just that. You saved my birthday.

12.   “booty call hours are between 1:30 -3:00AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. Please try again.

13.   “my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for Sunday brunch next week. You in?”

14.   “Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny’s while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate a TBell.”

The College Life

I am a college student and an RA for that matter. So I have see students at their worst (when they think they are at their best) but some of these texts I don’t know how these kids are going to graduate from college. However, they are still hilarious and all you older people who have already graduated probably miss these days when

1.       “You know you’re in college when you use your receipt from the liquor store as your bookmark.”  

2.       “Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. That would have ended badly.”

3.       “Let’s start the night off early. Those coronas aren’t going to throw themselves up.”

4.       “I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of 69 and crunchwraps.”

5.       “This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn’t put it in my mouth.”

6.       “she keeps giving me cups of everbeer…its everclear and beer..I guess it’s blackout or backout time.”

7.       “I’m 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs.”

8.       “If’ you can’t do the LSAT hung over. You can’t do the LSAT. That’s the real practice.”

9.       “I am breaking up with you because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you’re not party enough.”

10.   “Chipotle Chips and wine for breakfast. It’s definitely game time.”

11.   “so they call this ‘a walk of shame’ but f that..this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?”

12.   “defrosting a beer in the microwave…no sparks so far.”

13.   “he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, “please limit play to one hour while others are waiting.”

14.   “He called the drink ‘Annexation of Puerto Rico’. He wouldn’t tell us what’s in it but said we should all fear for our lives. Let’s do this.”

People to be afriad of...

 The texts from people just keep getting better and better. When I read some of them I really get scared if these are the people that our world depends on to exist.  These young kids sening these texts messages to eachother are our future....Brace yourself people:

1. “ I need to get skinner so I know when pregnancy scares are real.”

2. “Got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. It hit me 5minutes later she meant Easter.”

3. “Could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?”

4. “It is scary how often ‘just flash him’ is your advice.”

5. “you made cement angels. It was a great sight.”

6. “Umm..anywhere really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.”

7. “I don’t think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads I got last night as we were.”

8. “I’m drinking coffee out of a coffee pot and I’m not even mad about it.”

9. “someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gona forgive us for this.”

10. “Head up we filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.”

11. “I kind of want you to get arrested just so I can frame an avatar mugshot.”

12. “Having drunk flashbacks of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.”

13. “I’m going to start telling people I am a sophomore so they will stop asking me bout college and what I want to do with my life.”

14.” Mmm my 21^st birthday F****** sucks all my best friends are pregnant….selfish assholes. They just couldn’t wait until after my birthday.”

Gota love Family :)

 What would we do without our family members?? These are all texts that are family related: Brought to you my Text from last night.com.....Enjoy :)

1. "Why didn't you tell me dad was a registered sex offender?"
   - "we were going to tell you eventually, how did you find out?"
   "our school resource officer showed us how to use Family watchdog and pulled up his picture."

2. "my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion."

3. "my girls lil sis wanted to play hide and go seek. She told her to go hide. We went to her room and had sex. She was hiding under the bed."

4. "Is it a problem I find my wife's 16year old niece sexy?"

5. "so both my 8yr old sister and my f*** buddy  are named sara."
  -"this can't be gong anywhere good."
    "guess which one I texted last night to come over so I could punish her?"

6. "She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that."
 -"I assume you meant to contact someone else on you contact list instead of your own mother..."

7. "your dad touched me again."

 8. "I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
      I did not just catch my dad watching porn.'I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
      I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
     I did not just catch my dad watching porn."

Preview

9. "I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?"

10. "Help I just walked in on mom blowing dad"

11. "Can I sleep on your floor? My wife just found my eharmony account."

Stupid as can be.

At least when other people are stupid the rest of us can find humor out of it. :) Gives me hope too that I am def. not a failure in life.

1. "Remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?"

2. "So I went on a date with this girl...and whose our waitress?? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present."

3. "ooohhh fuck...chicks a dude."

4. "Can I crash on your couch? Just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs."
    "two?"
    "two"

5. " Happy early Father's Day!"
    " I'm not a Father."
   " about that..."

6. "just walked in on my mom and dad....It wasn't my dad."

7. "I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hands down her pants because I thought it was Lisa."

8. "wtf..he couldn't undo my bra, i asked him if it was his fist time and he said, 'with a girl yeah'."

9.  "Babe, the past four years have been amazing. Will you marry me?"
    "Are you seriously doing this over the phone?"
   "No but I am dumping you."

10. "I drunk madeout with my mom last night. It's gona be an awkward breakfast."

11. "I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom"

12. "I had a wet dream about my mom last night. Words can't even begin to describe how scared I am. what. the. fuck."

13. "Where the fuck is Rob at?"
   - "Dude Rob died 2weeks ago wtf?"
      "Holy shit r u serious? How?
   - "Just kidding, but I'm pretty sure he boned your gf and doesn't want to talk to you."

Best Nights of Today

These are supposedly texts that are found to be the most hilarious. Some are sexual but then again that is what people find some humorous today. Some stuff is a bit much for me but then again I keep in mind these are immature college students who are trying to still figure themselves out in life. 

1. "When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again."

2. "As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they tried to stop you, you said 'It's cool I came in with this'. They did not believe you."

3. She was our DD the least I could do was have sex with her. Even when drunk I am still chivalrous."

4. "Do your friends by chance have an inflatable deer head?"
 - "Nvm, it's in the dryer."

5. "The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed in his face. Like were buying Karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question."

6. "I just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a whole new level."

7. "I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok."

8. "i'm just sitting her going through her tagged pics, covering up different part of her face to try and figure out exactly what is it that makes her so ugly."

9. "not my fault he tried to cuddle after. He's the one that said he wanted to spoon away the shame."

10. "it's time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college."

11. "you haven't puked in my sink for over a year. Your coming over this weekend."

12. "I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like a really motivated all the fat people."

13. "F*** YOU! How could you leave me passed out hanging outside the truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?"

14. " REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WHILE WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON."

Random but funny Texts..

I do wonder about people sometimes... How we all live on the same planet because there are some STRANGE individuals who are waaaay out there in life.. Some though are funny.. Here are some texts you can decide whether you find them strange or funny.

1. PERSON A: "How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as a meal?"
   PERSON B: "4"

2. "Come pick me up please. I just puked in my lap. bring pants."

3. "I was gona clean my house but wine sounded better"

4. "I'm pretty sure I'm amost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like if I were in prison I would try it."

5. "so it's Thursday which means it's time to resume communication with you."

6. "woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed...was I that uncooperative last night?"

7. "She's liking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable."

8. "If I was there I'd make you a vicodin sandwich."

9. "due to the flooding of the parking lot, there will be a midnight bikini  mud wrestling party behind my dorm...all are welcome."

10. "there is laundry and salad all over my car. I need context."

11. "You now know someone who has successfully talked their way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long."

12. "I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked."

13. "you on campus? she just peed the bed. I need to go."

14. "did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target now? It's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training."